I am trying so hard to keep my head up. I try to be strong, and to act like I am not slowly breaking inside. I know things could be a lot worse. I know I have it better than most people, but I somehow still have this lingering feeling over me.
It’s 10:57 pm. I am sitting outside, about a quarter mile from my dorm, writing this by a fountain, with the sound of the water in the background. This has become my safe place. My place of escape.
I come to the fountain and let it all out. All of the things going through my head that make it all seem unbearable when kept bottled up inside. If I don’t let it out, the problems maximize and become nearly impossible to handle.
The sound of the flowing water and the serenity of being alone just soothes me. I like to be alone. I like to take a step back and take some time for myself. The thing I hate most is that I tend to victimize myself.
That does not go to say that I don’t have real struggles with body image and happiness. My main problem is that I really can’t stay happy. I don’t allow myself to. I don’t deem myself worthy of happiness.
I’ll never understand why. All I know is that I am crying. Letting this all out, the words, the tears. Just like the fountain, my emotions and tears are recycled. They just keep flowing and flowing in a never ending cyclic motion.
It’s all too much to handle. One 18 year old girl should not have to feel this much pressure and depression. These are supposed to be the greatest years of my life, but I can’t allow myself to feel that. I can’t just be.
It’s now 11:04 pm. I have stopped crying, but I know the cycle will restart as soon as I close the lid.