Time is always the enemy and of that I am entirely sure. I always knew the time to say my final goodbye would come, but then that day was today. I imagined it being painful on both ends, but that’s not what I felt. I felt complete and utter heartbreak on my end and nothing on the other.
Laying on the couch together is how we’ve spent the last three years. His basement became our safe place. Without even realizing it, I did a lot of growing up down there. My heart learned how to love so immensely it became almost too big. I fell in love over and over again, and discovered a piece of me that would always remain in the walls of my now shattered heart.
We were watching a movie and there was a sex scene. I started to silently cry. Not because I thought that I would never have that again, but because I knew that I would never have that again with Matthew. I pictured him as the guy in the movie, but for the first time in a long time I didn’t picture me as the girl. I pictured the love of my life making love to someone who wasn’t me, and it was just too much to imagine. I couldn’t stop my eyes from leaking, and with every tear my heart ached just a little bit more. What was worse was when he was being sweet and holding my lower hips. His hands were resting on my very upper thigh and his fingers gripped my hip bones tightly. He wasn’t watching me because if he was I knew he would have stopped as a result of the look on my face. Which was pain, because his fingers were pressing firm against the cuts on my upper thighs that I made the night before when I couldn’t get out of my head.
As I write this tears are streaming down my face. Thinking about tonight being the last time that I kiss him, the last time he holds me, the last time we are intimate with each other; it’s just too much for my mind to handle. Matthew is all I’ve ever known and being without him is something I thought would never come. But I leave for college in 4 days and there is nothing that I can do to make him want to give us a try in college. To me it feels as if three years of memories are vanishing in the past as he forgets me and moves on to bigger and better things. I will never be able to grasp the reasons why he gave up on us; on three years of faithfulness, love and effort, without even giving it a shot in college. I understand that I am not the most amazing girl in the world. I now understand that it is impossible to ever fully be enough for someone, no matter how much you love them. But I thought we owed it to the kids who played silent Madden in 2013. But I guess I was crazy, because it’s now 2016 and those kids are long gone.
Time is always the enemy.