New Beginning?

Things have changed. Matt broke up with me about a week ago and I don’t really know how I feel about it. At first I was angry, hurt, upset and betrayed, and I still am. I thought that our relationship deserved the respect of trying to make it work in college, but Matt didn’t see it that way. Towards the end of the relationship I could feel him becoming more and more disinterested and he started to treat me poorly. I didn’t see him for two days after the break up and in that time he went to two different parties. I didn’t know how to process the break up and his not wanting to be with me so I ended up spamming his phone until he eventually answered when I sent him a photo of me in a bikini to piss him off and make him worry about where I was and who I was with. It worked. The next day he wanted to see me so badly that he begged for me to come over, and stupidly, I did. We spent the day in bed talking about things while he held me, but of course it led to more.

That kind of confused me. I didn’t know how to adjust from spending time with him to not talking again. But we took some time and then a few days later I saw him again because he texted me and genuinely felt weird. I feel like maybe I should have made him suffer through not seeing me and being alone, but then I would be punishing myself because I wanted to see him. So we went to a movie and I returned some of his stuff to him, and then we hungout until 3 am just being together. We have talked like we normally used to throughout the day and he wants to see me again tomorrow. I think that he is sad he thought that the relationship had to end, but college just seems too hard. I personally would have loved to try our relationship in college because I love him so much and I want to know that I tried absolutely everything I could to make it work, but now I have to accept that our relationship will be different and move on. It will be hard not having him as my person to turn to about anything, but I think I will be okay. I don’t feel as drastically scared like I did the last time we broke up. I feel more stable.

I leave for college in less than 2 weeks and I don’t think I’ve really processed that yet. I am about to move into a new home with new people and a bunch of new experiences and I am now beyond excited. I realize that being single makes me more free to live the college experience that I want. Yeah, seeing Matt being happy with other girls in his life will be hard, but all I want is the best for him. I think that entering college single is the best situation, but I don’t want to just cut him out of my life. He has been the biggest part of me for so long and I have so many emotions that are still unsettled, but I know that a new beginning is coming my way and I need to take advantage of it.

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