I am about to enter into one of the most confusing and hardest weeks of my life. If you have read my earlier blog posts, you know that my relationship with Matt is on the slow decline. He is away at a soccer tournament and since he’s been gone for an entire week things have taken a turn. We just aren’t the same as we used to be.
The part that sucks is that I have to pick him and his mom up from the airport tomorrow night and then set off to drive straight to the beach for an entire week where I know that the following Sunday just marks the end of us. I have no idea how this week of hell is going to go. I am extremely nervous and uncomfortable with the situation, and I don’t know how to react. He has told me that he doesn’t think he wants this relationship in college for various reasons, once of which being he doesn’t want to talk to me and try to make he happy. So what am I supposed to do with that?
There are moments when I feel like maybe ending the relationship is for the best, but then I think about him and how much I adore him and everything gets messy again in my head. I think the only way in which i could allow myself to really get over him is to just simply not think about him. Thinking about him just leads me to falling more in love, ultimately setting me up for heart break. The last time that our relationship came to an end I really struggled. I didn’t know how to handle myself and ended up really depressed, desperate and helpless. I lost myself and I thought the only way to get myself back was by trying anything I could to get Matt back in my life.
I would like to think that when we end it this time that it will be easier, but we have only made more memories that I will remember and miss more than anything. My biggest wish was for him to be my date to my sister’s wedding, but I don’t even think he really cares about that. I really want to think that I am strong enough, but if I’m being honest I think that I am going to fall right back into my depression and I am terrified. I don’t want to be the sad and helpless girl who was weak in the bath tub and struggling for air every moment of every day. I want to be able to hear his name or see a photo of his and be capable of breathing, but I know that I will just end up falling apart. The last time I lost him I knew that I had lost a huge part of myself with him because I gave him everything, and I just can’t see this time being any different.
The only thing that might make a difference is that I want to be loved back. I want someone who is just so helplessly in love with me that they can’t stand the thought of being without me. And I know Matt doesn’t feel that way because he talks about ending us. He is okay with losing me and the very thought of me losing him sends my stomach into a twist of knots. That is how I know that I am the only one still in love in this relationship, and that might just make it a little easier to let go, but probably not. Nothing about losing your first love is easy, especially not when there were promises of forever.