Unrest

If I had to describe what I was feeling in one word it would be unrest. I don’t know how to interpret my current relationship situation. My boyfriend is going through something right now that he tells me I can’t understand. I get that to some degree I don’t fully understand the intensity and finality to his situation of attachment, but for 2.5 years I have been supporting and believing in him. He has been playing soccer since he was a young boy, and this weekend that is all coming to an end. He has been at the US Youth Soccer League National Championships for a week, and tomorrow is the semi-final game. If they win that, they advance to the final the following day where they could potentially become the U17 National Champions. Or, they could lose the game tomorrow and that will be the end of his competitive soccer career as a whole.

I told him today how much I love him and support him, making it clear that I believed in him 100%. I told him how nervous and invested I was in this game tomorrow because I want this so bad for him. I told him he was my soccer star. And do you know what he said? “Okay.” Simply that. Now I am just irritated. I have supported him through everything that has happened over the past 2.5 years, never doubting him for one second. I have given my time and my everything into not only this relationship, but into his soccer career, and he couldn’t even be more grateful. I don’t really know what to make of it, but what I do know is that it is causing me to feel the unrest. I feel as if we have drifted so far apart that at this point I would be a little more stable to ending this.

But then on Sunday I have to face him and this state of confusion before being with him for an entire week at the beach. The beach sounds perfect to me right now, but I am nervous to see him. I don’t know if I want to let myself feel close to him and reconnect with him because I know how difficult it is going to be for me to lose him again. I am going to stop breathing and have my heart ripped out of my chest. I wish that things could go back to how simple they were two years ago when we still had so many good times to be had and opportunites. But now it’s too late and the real world is fast approaching. The idea of losing this love is terrifying, but if this unrest remains any longer I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to remain true to myself.

Am I overreacting?

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