I don’t know how to be alone, and that is a problem. I can’t keep relying on other people, specifically Matt, to make me feel okay about myself. Whenever I get upset, feel unwanted or down about myself, my first thought is always self harm, after the tears of course. I have only harmed myself twice before, which is actually good in the long run considering how many times I have thought about it. But every time I stop myself because that is never the answer. It only takes away the pain a little bit, just for an hour or two, before I feel horrible about myself again.
I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I think I just need a fresh start. I need to move out of my house and be alone for a while. That is what I want. Once I go to college I will have a chance to reinvent myself because I don’t think the people I meet will like the person that I am right now. I don’t want to always feel anxious and uncomfortable when I am alone, or when I am doing nothing and Matt is out living his life. I just want to be okay with spending some time by myself. But every time that I am alone I can’t help but dwell on how much I feel unwanted and ignored. I wish I could be so different from who I am. I want to be prettier, skinnier, smarter and sexier. I want to have more confidence and patience. I want to be kind to everyone and not harshly judge other people on one occurence or even before I know them at all.
I don’t know how to be happy. Every time I left myself get happy I just brace myself for the upset, most of the time leaving me to cause the damage myself just to make it go faster. I don’t know why I can’t let myself be happy. I don’t know how to change the person that I am, but I really wish that I could.
If I knew how to be okay with being alone, most of my problems would be solved, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be sitting in bed crying like I am right now.