Here I am again, alone in my bedroom. I’ve been ditched yet again, and honestly I’m starting to get really fed up with it. We have about 5 & 1/2 weeks until I leave for college and Matt has ditched me yet again. I’m always getting trampled over in the grand scheme of things. When we are together he makes me feel adored for the most part, but then his actions are so opposite. He acts in rash ways and then tries to turn around and act like it’s just okay or even worse, like it’s my fault. Well it’s not.
But somehow I can’t seem to stay angry at him and it pisses me off beyond belief. Even when he ditches me last minute for his asshole of a friend and neglects to ask me about my latest pieces of writing, he somehow still manages to win the fight because I just give in. I wish I could stand my own ground. I feel like it isn’t worth fighting because I just want to spend time with him and be happy, but then again I feel like I am sometimes the only one putting in the extra effort. I found myself dismissing the times when I told him about the latest novel I was reading or the newest poem I wrote because I figured he was too busy or uninterested.
My biggest insecurites revolve around my love for books and writing and my unathleticism. I have tried to play every single sport and nothing ever works out for me. It is so frustrating because I know how much guys adore atheletic girls who can have a good time and be satisfied. But that’s not me. I need a good story or to always be inspired in my heart and mind. My personal happiness lies in words and emotions, and being a teenager in this day and age I struggle to stand firm in my passion because partying and entertainment are taking over. I feel as if girls like me are low in demand and that everyone is a threat to me because I don’t fit this societal mold.
While we both said that we want to make our relationship work in college, I feel as if there is a defined yet silent time bomb just waiting to go off, putting a limit on the amount of time that we have left together. It is so scary. Since 10th grade it’s just been the two of us, although we did have a few incidents this past year. I let him walk all over me and I lost myself in the process. I need to remember the important things in life and remain true to myself because I cannot risk self destruction again when this comes to an end.