I feel as if I am the only one who puts in effort anymore. The only one who cares. I feel like I am trying so hard to hold onto something that isn’t entirely there anymore.
Recently, my boyfriend has had to weather the storm of losing two people who he was very close to, and I hope to God that the superstition of things happening in threes does not apply to this case. He lost a good family friend with no warning to suicide. He was a man of age with three children who took his life just days before fathers day. It is something that Matt, and everyone else in the world who has trie to understand the concept of suicide, can’t wrap his head around. The day he happened he broke down, locking himself in his room and resorting to alcohol. Since that day he has not brought the situation back up.
Just a week later he lost his previous neighbor to cancer. It consumed him. Everyone knew it was coming, but the doctors told the man’s loved ones that he would have more time then he ended up having. I guess you can never but a time limit on something that is in the hands of God.
I think that young people like myself always doubt God in times like these. Having to watch someone you love suffer from loss and try to cope alone is painful and frustrating. You are forced to sit back and watch them bottle it all up inside, constantly catching them in moments of sadness that they are trying to mask.
Whenever things get hard, Matt puts up walls. He doesn’t let anyone in. He refuses to talk about it and would prefer to pretend like nothing had happened at all. It is frustrating. I have told him numerous times that I am here for him and that I want him to talk to me. And if he didn’t want to really talk about it, I would just be a friendly shoulder and open ear. Because that’s what love it.
On the contrary, I find myself feeling further away from him then ever. No matter what I say or do, I can’t get him to fully connect with me. All I want is for him to look me deep in the eyes and tells me he loves me, or hold me the way he does when he’s happy. College is now less than two months away. I am growing more and more scared. The transition to college is going to be hard enough as it is, and now I have to be okay with him being 116 miles away from where I am. At the place where I wanted to be.
These days, I can’t even get him to hangout with me. He leaves in less than 48 hours for a tournament and I leave for vacation when he’s away, leaving only a few days in between after my return before he leaves again for another tournament. Our time together is limited, and I just don’t understand why the efforts are stopping now. 2 years and 7 months later and I can feel him slipping away.
I’m tired of going out of my way and making a huge effort just to make plans with him.
I’m tired of feeling less loved than I should be.
I’m just tired.